Remembering Jessica

Last June, my daughter graduated from the high school at which I teach.  Among the other students who graduated with her that day was Jessica Galley.  I knew Jessica before she got to the high school, as she was in Girl Scouts with my daughter in grade school.  She was then, and for as long as I knew her always was, one of the nicest kids I've ever met, and she always had a smile to share.  A few days ago, Jessica was killed in a tragic automobile accident.  Since then, the following thoughts have been floating around in my head, so I thought I'd get them out.

It doesn't make sense.  It doesn't, and it won't. We look at this tragedy with our very human eyes, and we see a life cut short.  We see a life so full of promise, so full of potential.  We see the positive impact that Jessica was supposed to make on the world, and we see a future that now will never be.  We see a kind, loving, caring, giving, gifted, God-fearing young lady, and we ask, "Why?"  And none of the answers make sense.

So we look back at all that now remains.  We look at the pictures from the 18 years that we were blessed to have Jessica with us.  The picture I have is of Jessica with my daughter and the rest of the Girl Scout Troop at the event that earned them their Bronze Award.  We flip through picture after picture of a silly face intended to make us laugh or of that genuine, bright, beautiful smile.  We look back on the life that was, and if this is all we pay attention to, if this life, here, is all we focus on, then our question, "Why?" will never receive a satisfactory answer.

But as Christians, we do not focus on "here".  At every death, be it the death of an infant, a grandparent, or an 18-year-old, we do not stop at the celebration of the life that was.  We celebrate the life that still is.  We look death square in the face, and we say over and over again, "Christ is Risen!"  And because Christ is risen, death has no hold on us.  Because Christ is risen, we have an unshakable belief, an unfailing hope, a fearless faith that, despite everything our human senses may tell us, she is ok.  And in fact, she is better now than she has ever been.   Because Christ is risen, we need not worry.  We will see her again.  And, despite how hard it may be to believe, that beautiful smile will be even brighter.

In blessed repose, grant, O Lord, eternal rest to the soul of Your departed servant, Jessica, and remember her forever.  Amen.

The Gergesene Demoniacs

I wrote this a few weeks back, reflecting on the Gospel reading that morning in church.  Comments and feedback appreciated.

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It seems almost human nature that when we first meet someone, we make a judgment about their entire personality based on our first impression of them.  The way they are dressed, the way they walk, the way they greet us...we use, or misuse, our first impression of someone and quickly decide who they are.  And more often than not, what we see first in the person is what is wrong with them.  We very quickly place people into negative categories based on our first impressions, and it's not until we get to know the person that we start seeing them in a more positive light and placing them into the "positive" categories.

In the eighth chapter of the Gospel of Matthew, we read the story of the Gergesene demoniacs.  These two were living in the tombs, away from the rest of the people of the town. The townspeople had as little to do with these men as possible, having negatively categorized them and placed them safely away.  The only dealings the townspeople had had with the demoniacs was  to try to place them in chains...chains which the demoniacs had broken.  Far too often, this is our response to those whom we place in the "negative" categories: rather than trying to get to know them, we attempt to place them in "chains", and when that fails we place them a safe distance away from us.

Getting back to the story, Jesus goes to the demoniacs, or rather, they come running to Him.  Jesus sees through the demons and finds the pepole underneath.  The demoniacs cannot expel the demons themselves, nor can the demons leave on their own.  In fact, the demons have to ask permission to leave the men and go into the herd of swine that are being tended close by.  So, Jesus tries to talk with the men, and initially can only speak with the demons.  Jesus, of course, is undeterred, sees through the demons, expels them, and uncovers the men underneath.

Now let's look at the swineherders.  They are uncomfortable with the now ex-demoniacs.  They had placed them into a category, a category in which they no longer fit...and the swine herders don't know how to deal with that.  How true this is of us.  When someone we have safely categorized has a true change of heart, makes a real change in their life, our immediate reaction is often to be suspicious of the change.  So often we are unwilling to accept that the person no longer fits in the category into which we have placed them, and the more drastic the change, the more unwilling we are to believe the change is real.

The swineherders also don't know how to deal with Jesus.  Try as they might to find a fault with Him and to place Him into a "negative category", the worst they can come up with probably involves the herd of swine that just ran off the cliff.  And not finding a category into which they can place Jesus, they do the only thing they can think of: they ask Him to leave.  Again, how like us this is.  When we meet someone whom we cannot negatively categorize, in whom we do not immediately find fault, we don't know how to react, and the only option we can come up with is to keep the person away from us.  If we are honest about it, we fear being with  someone who is truly a good person, because we know we're not, and the inferiority we feel makes us uncomfortable.  This is all the more true when we encounter Christ, the One Who is truly good.  Our reaction is to make Him something less than He is, or to lie to ourselves and say that we aren't as bad as we really know we are, or we ask Him to leave...which, since He never actually leaves us, means we turn away from Him. 

To finish the story, we must go to the other accounts we have from Sts. Mark and Luke, each of which mention only one demoniac.  The ex-demoniac asks Jesus if he can leave with Him.  The man knows that living among people who will not acknowledge the change that has taken place will be difficult, and he wants to run from it.  Christ has other plans for him.  He tells the man to stay and to be a daily reminder of what is possible.

So what can we take from this story?  From the demoniac, we can learn the power of letting Christ into our life.  We can also learn that letting Christ into our life means following His lead, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.  From the swineherders, we can see our failings in the way we deal with others.  And from Christ, well, what can't we learn from Him.  But in this story, we can learn to see past the demons that trap others and actually get to know the person.  Christ already knows us in this way, much as we may try to hide our "demons" from Him or lie to Him about them or rationalize them away...and He is as willing to help us be rid of our demons as he was with the demoniacs.  May we strive to truly know one another, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.  And more importantly, may we, like Christ and with His assistance, help one another be rid of our demons, no matter how uncomfortable it may be...for them, or for us.

Orthodox Spirituality

So it's been a while. I guess I'm not really a writer, or at least not someone who will sit down and write with any kind of regularity.

However, as part of my preparation that will, God willing, one day lead to my ordination as an Orthodox deacon, our parish priest (ever practical, even is this) gave the following assignment: if a parishioner asked you to explain or describe what is meant by Orthodox spirituality, how would you respond? Write an essay, keeping in mind that it needs to be complete but concise.

This is my essay:

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The life of the Orthodox Christian has one goal: to know God. This knowledge, which is the very essence of eternal life (John 17:3), is not academic knowledge but the real knowledge of and about another person that can only be gained by the experience of a long-term relationship. To gain this knowledge and have this experience, we must align our spiritual mind, our “nous”, with the mind of God and purify our spiritual heart so that it is ready to receive the Spirit of God. The means by which we do this and thus establish, build, and nourish our relationship with God are what we refer to when we speak of Orthodox Spirituality.

As in any relationship, we establish our relationship with God by getting to know about Him from as many different sources and in as many different ways as we can. At the very least these include reading the Scriptures and praying. We must keep in mind here that we human beings bring a personal, selfish bias to everything we do, and as such we must remember that while spontaneous prayer and private meditation on Scripture can be profitable, we cannot rely exclusively on ourselves if we expect reading Scripture and praying to be effective. This is why we must attend Church services regularly, incorporate the standard prayers of the Church into our private prayer, and read the Scriptures in the light of the writings of the Church Fathers. It should go without saying that we must not simply go through the motions; rather, we must actively engage in these activities. We must pray humbly, not seeking what we believe to be best for our lives, but rather seeking discernment, hoping to align our will as closely as possible with the Will of God. We must read the Scriptures thoughtfully and with focus, not interpreting them with the aforementioned personal bias (unintentional as that may be), but rather understanding them with the mind of the Church and incorporating them into our lives with the advice of the Fathers. We must participate fully and attentively in the services and regularly partake of the Sacraments, not seeing them as the means by which we obtain eternal life, but rather as gifts through which God physically reveals Himself to us. All of these things lay the foundation of our relationship with God, a foundation to which we must turn often. However, they are only the beginning.

To enter into a deep, meaningful relationship with God requires a certain amount of preparation on our part, and while the activities mentioned above certainly establish the relationship in general, if left only at that level we will have nothing more than a passing friendship with God. We will know Who He is, we will know certain facts about Him, but we will not truly know Him. And while we may say or at least think that we want this deep, meaningful relationship, in attempting to establish it we would immediately have to admit that we are not really ready for it and we certainly are not worthy of it. This is where the more ascetical aspects of Orthodox spirituality are brought to bear. If we want to achieve our goal of eternal life we must turn our attention away from ourselves and toward the needs of others (Matthew 25:31-46); activities such as fasting, giving alms, and setting a daily prayer rule begin this process. Here, however, we must remember that it is a common practice among human beings to be lenient with ourselves, and that this tends to be all the more true of our ascetical practices. If left to our own devising, our fasting rule would conform closely to our current diet, our almsgiving would conform closely to our current lifestyle, and our prayer rule would conform closely to our current schedule. This is why it is important to have a spiritual advisor, someone who can look at our lives from the outside in, call us to task when we are being too soft on ourselves, and remind us of the mercy and forgiveness of God when we are being to hard on ourselves. The Orthodox standards of fasting, almsgiving, and prayer are lofty; taken as “rules” or “laws” they can be both spiritually and physically damaging. A spiritual advisor helps us use these practices as they are intended, not as punitive measures for our criminal acts, but as medicine for our spiritual illnesses, helping us become healthy enough for a real relationship with God.

Having prepared ourselves for and entered into this relationship, we must continue to nourish it, never allowing it to stagnate. We must remain vigilant, tending to it not only in the ways mentioned above but also in special ways such as visiting a monastery, attending a retreat, or reading spiritually enriching material. In visiting a monastery, we have the opportunity to leave the world if only for a few days and experience a life completely devoted to God, focusing on our relationship with Him to the exclusion of everything else in our lives. Of course we must not fool ourselves into thinking that we can bring the entirety of the monastic experience home with us. The rest of our world will be waiting for us when we get home. But focusing our efforts exclusively on our relationship with God, allowing the quietude and stillness to soak into us to the point that we long for it when we return to the world, can help us be more aware of Him in our daily lives, allowing our relationship with Him to be a more important force that underlies all of our thoughts, words, and deeds. Attending a retreat allows us to focus on a particular weakness in our relationship, healing a particular illness rather than working on our overall spiritual health as we would at a monastery. The same is true of reading spiritually beneficial books or articles devoted to healing a particular infirmity or to promoting a specific practice that will lead to better overall spiritual health.

In all of this however, we must keep in mind that ultimately in and of ourselves we can do nothing (John 15:5). It is by the grace of God that we have the ability and opportunity to have this relationship with Him. Our contribution is to take advantage of the opportunity and use the ability to remain as faithful as we can to Him. The lives of the saints and the Theotokos show us that such faithfulness is possible, so learning about them and following their example is another way we care for our spiritual well-being. By praying in the ways He has provided, understanding the Scripture the way He intended as revealed to us by the Church and the Fathers, fasting and giving alms in the ways He has prescribed, and regularly leaving the world to focus exclusively on Him, we can be transformed into a person that more closely resembles the person He intended us to be (Ephesians 2:8-10, Romans 12:2). This transformation will lead us to the purity of heart that will allow us to see God (Matthew 5:8) and to have eternal life.